You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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