my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
