This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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