I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
