Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
