I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
