I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
