she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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