Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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