He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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