I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Someone shattered a urinal.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Randomize
