i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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