dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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