well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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