Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
