i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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