I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
