dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize