She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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