How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
