Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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