bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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