the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
