I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
