I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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