Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
