Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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