There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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