I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
