sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
