I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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