I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
