Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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