from now on my penis is your penis
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
