I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
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