I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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