Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
