guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
