A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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