Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
