Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
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