Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Everything about him screamed your future.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
