Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
