new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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