Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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