Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
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