He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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