I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
