In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
