Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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