I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
