i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
