It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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