apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
