Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
