i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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