can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
