So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
