matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Is it because I queefed?
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
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