where does the pee come out of this thing
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
