32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
