oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
