I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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