I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
