I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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